Getting There…


This is the blanket, so far. I am spinning more wool now…I think I want it bed sized!

My healing is going ok (I think?), not much pain, am almost done taking my antibiotics (one more today). I’m SUPPOSED to take off the bandage today but I think I’m going to call the surgeon because I’m totally not sure how to do it without pulling off the scab underneath. I’m pretty much terrified to touch it. I would love to leave it but I guess it can’t heal that way!

I’ve been taking it easy, pretty much. I think I’m over the initial shock of it all…no promises…shock seems to reappear whenever it wants.

I totally agree, I need a shopping trip SOMEWHERE but, sadly, with finances as they are it’s probably good I have these wool bins. I will, however, be treating myself to the Spring IK sometime today! In my dream world, I’d be heading for the Spinrite factory sale which is on this week in Listowel. It’s a bit of a drive but it would be so fun to go – fun, I should say, if I could go and spend guilt free.

Again, thanks for the support Joansie, Brenda, Jo and Samm. It was awesome you took the time to comment and it means a lot to me 🙂

Mastectomy Is A Shocking Word

Good morning!

Happy to say I’ve had my surgery and I’m OK. It went very well, I thought. Though, when I saw the word ‘Partial Mastectomy‘ on my paperwork, it sent me for a loop.

What a word.

They ended up taking more tissue than expected…as it turned out there was an infection and more than one cyst. They took the ducts too.

I’m all bandaged up with clear tape and am pleasantly surprised that, so far, I’m not in any pain, at all. I’m taking antibiotics for the infection, for a week. Have a pain killer prescription as well but haven’t had to fill it, at least not yet.

I’m sleeping a lot. Dreaming a lot. Knitting a lot. Kind of emotional. I wonder if it’s normal to be a little hormonal after something like this?

Then again, what is this ‘normal’?

I hope this is the end of it. May the infection clear and the healing go easy.

Thanks for your support, Samm and Joansie. I appreciated it, a lot!

Spinning To Order…

Yes, I’m working on the yarn for my son…the black and grey superwash.


A light worsted/dk weight is my goal though I’m never sure what I’m getting exactly with the hand spinning. I don’t know if you get to the point where you know for sure that the singles are ‘perfect’ in size or if it’s always a bit of a guessing game. I kind of go for a sock weight single so the two will end up as a worsted when plied. And then there’s the thick/thin factor. I don’t know if other spinners get past this but there are definitely ALWAYS thick/thin places in my singles. Not a lot of them, but they’re there.


I’m also working on a knitted top for myself. Yosemite worked in Shire Silk that I’ve been saving since I bought it last year. It has GOT to be the most expensive yarn I’ve ever ordered. Not because the yarn wasn’t on sale but because of the method of shipping to Canada from Webs. I’ve learned different sellers ship different ways and there are some that I will buy from now and some I will not. I do my best to stay away from the USPS! Unless I love having a whole lot of ‘surprise’ charges to pay COD at the post office on pick up, LOL, it seems the way to go. So this is the one and only thing I will ever/have ever bought at Webs, did I mention EVER? On the other hand, I had previously bough some beautiful yarn, including some Shire Silk, at and they shipped the civilised way and there were NO surprises at the post office on that order. With the discounts, the yarn prices were quite similar anyways. Live and learn!

My goal this year is to knit the stash. I will excuse myself this rule when it comes to buying rovings, of course! 🙂 Must. Feed. The. Spinning. Habit. Other than handspun though, I hope to use the yarn I’ve been hoarding — there is a LOT of it too, LOL.

Since I’m a SAHM, I like to find ways to contribute – read ‘save money’ – so I’m planting a patio garden this year. I have beans, three kinds of peas (two with edible pods, one without), three different kinds of tomato plants (heirloom, cherry and normal), red, green and heirloom peppers, green onions. Right now the babies are growing in little pots on all my window sills and eventually they will be repotted for the decks. We have gardens around the house as well but I’m not too interested in feeding the local bunny population. Bunnies are adorable and all but this is OUR food! 🙂 I’m planting at least six of each plant and I really hope I get enough food to help out and make a difference.

I’ve also been baking our bread every day and it makes a difference I’m sure. Bread here now is about three dollars a loaf for the CRAP. Very expensive! I make two loaves at a time, sometimes every day, sometimes every other. It only takes me about half an hour to make, save rising time. The kids love it and when I bake, they eat far better, way more. A store bought loaf of CRAP lasts us about three days…two home made loaves last us a day or a a day and a half. I like it when they enjoy the food!!! Makes me feel like a million when I know I’m contributing to that.

I’ve started getting really creative with our leftovers and with recipes in general. I’m getting better at going by the rough outline of a recipe and using all the things we like instead of the things they call for that I don’t have! The kids are even enjoying the results!

Another Yarn :)


I’ve finished the first skein of two ply seacell/silk from the rovings I purchased at the black lamb!! I have 242.5 metres of a roughly dk weight thick/thin yarn. I love it! It’s a nice light natural beige and I am SO hoping I have enough to make myself the tank/shrug I want. We shall soon see!



About Time…

So, I’ve entered my laceweight into the spinning contest I’ve been talking about. I couldn’t take the waiting for someone else to enter so I’m the first entry, lol. Here’s the finished yarn…

sakinaneedles 2ply laceweight 333 m/40 m

I’m happy as can be with it. I’m planning to make the Ice Queen pattern from with it using some glass seed beeds in pink and amber shades. I also have blue and an ivory so they are always options too. I think it’s a great choice because it’s superwash yarn and will be easy to care for. The colours are perfect too I think!

2ply lace weight - dusty cornflower - sakina needles

My daughter’s cardigan is coming along well…done the main knitting and working on seaming and trim today. I hope to have enough yarn left for the trim but it’s ok if I end up spinning more. The last of the singles are still on the bobbins to give me a ‘starting weight’ to copy. That’s how I spun the yarn for it so far. I think the leftover helps a lot to keep the weight the same. I’ve been just joining onto the leftover and continuing the strand rather than worrying about emptying the bobbins and starting fresh. I have no idea how others spin for large projects but this works for me!



Change is difficult. Trying to accept reality REALISTICALLY can be difficult.

I’ve always, always thought that it was my job, my role, my burden to be the ‘adult’, to forgive them for what they do but do not understand, to understand they are doing their best with who and what they are. To not take it all personally. To rise above it.

What does it mean though if they aren’t doing thier best. If they are, instead, throwing every evil thing at me because I can take it? Because I am ‘safe’? Because they know that though I will be sad, I will be hurt, I will cry…I’ll always, or at least in the past I would always, be there to take some more, to forgive them, to make it ‘ok’ for them.

It is incredibly hard to be a daughter to my parents…beyond hard it is painful and unfair and I don’t know anymore if I have it in me to be forgiving. At this point, I’m not sure I understand how to forgive anymore. I’m all out of ‘it’s ok’.

Enright and the Human Development Study Group propose that:

Forgiveness is the overcoming of negative affect and judgment toward the offender, not by denying ourselves the right to such affect and judgment, but by endeavoring to view the offender with benevolence, compassion, and even love, while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them. The important parts of this definition are as follows: a) one who forgives has suffered a deep hurt, thus showing resentment; b) the offended person has a moral right to resentment but overcomes it nonetheless; c) a new response to the other accrues, including compassion and love; d) this loving response occurs despite the realization that there is no obligation to love the offender (Subkoviak, Enright, Wu, Gassin, Freedman, Olson, Sarinopoulos, 1992, p.3).

I can no longer overcome the negative affect and judgement that I hold towards my parents. I can no longer excuse the behaviour, the words, the actions, the opinions or the viewpoints they live by and hold close. I just can’t and I feel so very guilty.

I was raised in the church and I always knew that Jesus showed the ultimate forgiveness…’forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do’.

I’ve always known that it was mostly to my own benefit to forgive. Forgiveness allows me to move on, it allows me to know I am a good person, in spite of the way they have treated me. That’s why it was so important to me to learn it, to feel it and to overcome all of these things, when I was younger and dealing with all of the things I had to deal with after living in their home for two short years. This was after dealing with the hurts and resentments I felt so strongly after my mother left us when I was a ten year old child. Snuck away is more accurate than leaving. I don’t think she understood or felt that she owed us even an explanation. It was never important to her to make it ok for us.

Now I’m feeling guilt…just for speaking so bluntly (when there is so much more I could say) about the realities that occurred. See how difficult it can be to face reality realistically? I could continue in the ‘family approved’ manner of glossing over her mistakes, smoothing out her indiscretions, pretending it wasn’t the most devestating things that she chose to do. That’s how we’ve been doing it for so long that to do anything else becomes something she isn’t willing to forgive!

As her child – and she expects this from each child – it’s my job to help her rationalize her terrible mistakes, to help her feel good, to never expect her to acknowledge what she’s done and to definitely NOT expect her to ever take responsiblity for the effects she has caused.

She clings to a man who helps her feel good, the man who has rationalized the whole thing with her for over 20 years…a man who disregards all people other than himself because he is such a raging narcissist that he cannot even see them at all.

The fact that I’m crying right now tells me that the wounds are deep and the hurts are still fresh…it’s so much easier when I don’t really access them…when I allow them to be forgotten. And then I wonder if it is healthy to do so…if it is healthy to ‘forget’ the unforgettable, to forgive the unforgiveable, to excuse the unexcuseable.

I learned as a child that the only way to interact with her is to expect nothing and to appreciate everything. She bends under expectations, fails, falters…she cannot take the pressure…she requires appreciation and compassion because she still to this day is immersed in the things that she grew up with and though I understand that…that cannot be my burden. Yet it leaves me wondering…does she not see that by creating another generation of hell, she hasn’t eased her own pain but has only amplified it and passed it on to the rest of us? Does she not see how basically UNJUST that is?

Understanding that she is emotionally limited and that she will never understand that in any true sense…any feeling sense…doesn’t really make it better, just a little more hopeless. I am sure that my peace will come from within me, from the God within me and my innate spirituality, from my loving family that I have created. Seeking peace with the abusers will not heal me, will not heal them…will not change anything. It merely encourages a part of me that is still a child…encourages her to hope, to wish, to want…to seek all that isn’t and has never been there.

Well, enough for one day!

The sun is shining and I feel so much better just for having worked out a few of the things I am feeling 🙂

One More In High School!

Yes, my friends, it’s true…kids do grow up!

Today my youngest daughter and I are off to register her in high school for september. I can’t believe how fast they grow up, really! It could take your breath away. It’s so awesome watching it happen. LOL, I think I’m getting sentimental or something but I love watching the transformation from child to adult…

In other news, I hope to be finished the main body of the hexacomb cardigan today…we have karate so I’ll be taking it for an hour of uninterrupted knitting. Semi-uninterrupted I guess is more accurate! One of the moms, on tuesday, made a comment about how I must have ‘endless’ time on my hands to knit and when I told her I made the wool she was even more…umm..sarcastic? Why do people act like that? Why must people assume that because they sit idle, we all must? Everyone (I’m sure) takes time out to sit, to watch tv, to listen to music, whatever. I just use that time and keep my hands busy whilst doing that. It would be nice to have more positive responses rather than this assumption that I must not do anything else. I should have shown her the blisters on my hands and told her about the two loads of laundry I washed that day but I thought it would be kind of petty and defensive to start listing my actual activities, lol. It’s part of a lesson, I suppose…about not worrying about what she or anyone else thinks…after all (as Mother Theresa said)…it’s not between me and her, it never was…it’s between God and me. That’s a rough paraphrase of a great quote I once read which really stuck with me.

Must get ready for the day…enjoy!